On Jan. 5th, 2025, CollegeBoard announced changes that were to be implemented into the college admission process. Starting in 2026, college acceptances will now be based on who survives a Hunger Games-Style Tournament. 

“We realized that with acceptance rates dropping to fractions of a percent, the traditional methods just weren’t extreme enough,” College Board spokesperson President Snow said. “This new system ensures that only the most determined and resourceful students make it to campus. After all, if they can survive an all-out battle royale, they can handle a midterm or two.”

Applicants will be randomly chosen from each high school and forced to compete in an undisclosed wilderness location. Armed with only a Common App essay and a sharpened #2 pencil, students must navigate a series of challenges designed to test their academic prowess and survival skills. These include:

• The AP Calculus Pitfall Trap:  Students must solve a complex derivative before the floor collapses beneath them.
• The Group Project Gauntlet:  Work with three teammates who refuse to contribute anything, and still somehow survive. Then, finally tell the teacher without sounding like a brat.
• The Financial Aid Labyrinth: A deadly maze where students must decode FAFSA forms before they’re buried under tuition debt.
• The Admissions Interview Battle: Fight off ten other students while reciting your “biggest weakness” in a way that still makes you sound perfect.

Some argue that this new system is actually more equal than the current admissions process, and a better marker for colleges to see who to admit.

“At least this way, I won’t have to write 1,000 essays,” said applicant Kelly Tran as she dodged an arrow shot by a rival student.

Other colleges have also decided to include unique supplements as a response to these College Board changes: 

• MIT is considering an admissions process where applicants must code an AI bot that convinces the admissions officer to let them in.
• Yale is experimenting with a trial where students must out-debate a tenured professor while running on a treadmill.
• Stanford has proposed a “Shark Tank”-style pitch competition where students argue why they deserve to exist.
• Duke University is hosting basketball tournaments where prospective students must beat LeBron James in order to gain admission.
• Harvard is considering applicants who can donate $1 billion as an admission fee.

Meanwhile, the few students who do survive the admissions tournament will be rewarded with a lifetime of crippling student debt, ensuring that the real battle for survival continues long after college.

 May the FAFSA odds be ever in your favor.