It’s 8:21 a.m. on a chilly Monday morning. You can barely keep yourself awake as you trudge through the front doors of Lexington High School, trying to recall what day it is with the four hours of sleep that you got the night before.
As you walk towards first block in a dream-like state, you’re rudely awakened by what sounds like the loudest airhorn known to man. You haven’t gotten a jumpscare like this since you walked into English class and realized that you had an in-class essay to write.
It’s another fire alarm. The third one this week.
As you shuffle out of the building amidst a crowd of students and teachers, you glimpse a pair of eyes that seems almost embedded in the walls. You can’t help but look closer…
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Two days ago, LHS sophomore Parry Hotter discovered a ‘Chamber of Secrets’ located in the gender-neutral bathroom next to Commons II. Hotter slaughtered the unidentifiable `monster residing in the chamber, which had been responsible for the recent pipe burstings and consequent fire alarms plaguing the school.
Prior statements from the school administration had attributed these fire alarms to water being detected near LHS’s sprinkler systems. However, some students were skeptical that faulty sprinkler systems were the real reason behind the alarms. Many were also frustrated that precious hours of their education were being lost to fire alarm evacuations.
“The pipes keep bursting, you say? I don’t believe it at all! There has got to be something the school isn’t telling us!” Hermelion Gardener, a sophomore, said.
Gardener, Hotter, and their friend Ronnie Weasel took matters into their own hands. On Oct. 9, during one of the first fire alarms of the school year, Hotter walked into the gender-neutral bathroom by Commons II instead of vacating the school (he had his AirPods in, apparently).
“You know, those bathrooms had always smelled kinda funky, so I was always suspicious of using them. My suspicions were right! I was smacking the paper towel dispenser because it seemed to be clogged, when all of a sudden I heard something from inside the walls!” Hotter said.
Hotter stated that he thought a voice was speaking to him.
“It sounded really scary. I ran out of the bathroom, but the voice kept going. I thought it said the word ‘Aspen’ or something, which is crazy ‘cause I was supposed to get my midterm grades back that day,” Hotter said.
Hotter started formulating a plan to figure out where the voice was coming from. However, his plans were cut short when on Oct. 10, Gardener was petrified—frozen to her phone, that is—after another fire alarm.
“I was shocked. Hermelion is usually the most locked-in out of all of us,” Weasel said. “It made me wonder, how many other students at LHS are stuck to their phones because the monster petrified them?”
Weasel and Hotter were stupefied for months at what creature could have turned Gardener into a phone addict. However, Hotter made a discovery when he noticed that Gardener’s phone was open to her notes app, displaying a singular word: “pipes.”
“It was a eureka moment. The monster travels through the pipes! That’s why they keep bursting, and the fire alarms keep going off!” Hotter said.
The next day, Hotter and Weasel returned to the gender-neutral bathroom by Commons II. Upon closer inspection at the pipes underneath the sink, Hotter noticed an inscription in the metal. Without hesitation, he spoke to the pipe in Pig Latin.
“I think he said, ‘otgay ouyay aprilway oolsfay,’ or something. Blimey, I learn new things about Parry every day,” Weasel said.
Surprisingly enough, the mirrors in the bathroom swung open. Beyond was a dark and mysterious cavern—the Chamber of Secrets. While Weasel stayed behind to keep watch, Hotter ventured inside and encountered the monster.
“I wasn’t scared. I didn’t even cover my eyes. Since I’m usually stuck to my phone, that monster can’t do anything to me,” Hotter said.
In the chamber, Hotter felt an AP World History textbook materialize in his hand, which he threw at the monster.
“Those textbooks are heavy. All that text probably made the monster so dizzy it collapsed. Thank goodness I never opened mine,” Hotter commented.
Then, Hotter returned to the gender-neutral bathroom and reported his findings to LHS principal Albas Dumbldoras. Dumbldoras has since confirmed the monster as the reason behind the pipe leaks and fire alarms.
“I suspect that the day off we had on Dec. 2 was the product of the monster getting a little too excited at students coming back after Thanksgiving break,” Dumbldoras said.
The administration has also confirmed that eye contact with the monster results in one becoming petrified to their phone, which has led to a greater push in phone hotel usage.
Weasel informed The Muskrat that Gardener was recovering well.
“I know she’ll be just fine. She wouldn’t miss AP season for the life of her,” Weasel said.
As of now, the gender-neutral bathroom has been shut down. There are speculations that the school is searching for an alleged “ghost” of a past LHS teacher, who Hotter claimed to have communicated with inside the chamber. (Hotter was under amnesia when giving this statement, having broken his arm after throwing the textbook at the monster.)
“I think his name was Tot Roddle or something. He said he’d be back. He said he was out for me. Something about not lowering my grade enough the first time…”
