It’s confirmed—recent studies conducted by extremely legitimate Lexington lab scientists show that students with buzzcuts are achieving higher test scores. Unrestricted by copious amounts of suffocating hair, the scalp has been tested to be more permeable to airborne “IQ” molecules when gently varnished with a simple buzz cut.
“We started seeing patterns,” Dr. Heinz Ketchup Doofenshmirtz, an AP Biology teacher at Lexington High School, said. “Every time a student walked in with a buzzcut, their test average mysteriously increased. At some point, science demanded answers.”
According to studies carried out by Baldman Labs, shorter haircuts reduce what researchers describe as “cognitive blockage,” allowing intelligence particles (naturally present in the air) to directly reach the scalp.
Some foolhardy scientists posit a controversial hypothesis that individuals with higher concentrations of IQ particles in their brains will lose this intelligence when exposed to buzzcuts, but this claim is widely considered invalid due to the improbability of having a “high IQ”.
LHS students are marveling at this discovery, and many are beginning to use it to their advantage.
“I got a buzzcut before my AP Chem test,” Barbera Chopped, a junior, said. “I don’t even remember studying, but suddenly, sigma bonding and alpha bonding felt like common sense.”
Teachers across departments have reportedly observed similar effects.
“In previous years, students struggled with learning Italian brainrot,” Prof. Tralalero, an AP Italian teacher, claimed incredulously. “They just couldn’t grasp the difference between Bombardino Crocodilo and Ballerina Capuccina. However, as soon as they showed up to school with round, liberated heads bobbing in the natural breeze, everything clicked.”
Nonetheless, these findings have also been met with some opposition. Report cards are disappointed to see that some resolute students are still proudly growing their hair long and thick with claims of “protecting their IQ” from the passive diffusion of intelligence molecules.
“ I just don’t have that ‘cognitive blockage’ you’re yappin’ about,” Hairy Potter, a sophomore, said unintelligibly while shaking around his lion’s mane.“I’d say my hair’s blocking those particles from leaving, not entering.”
Despite this skepticism from stubborn groups of long-haired loyalists, buzzcut appointments in Lexington have reportedly surged ahead of AP Exams, with students hoping for last-minute cognitive gains.
Senior Buzz Lightyear defended the trend.
“People laugh now,” Lightyear said. “But when summer rolls around and those with hair receive those ones and twos in AP Classroom, everyone will see who was right all along.”
Researchers plan to expand the study to determine whether other hairstyles, including, but not limited to fades, mullets, and perms, produce similar academic advantages. Until then, experts recommend students consult both their barber and guidance counselor before making any major intellectual decision.