What started as a minor case of “teacheritis,” a new variant of the infamous “senioritis,” has now started spreading into an uncontrollable epidemic infecting everyone, even freshmen. Symptoms include excessive procrastination, loss of motivation, yawning, and an aversion to homework.
The unusual outbreak was first exhibited in English teacher Exhaust Ted shortly after first semester grades were posted.
“He stared at the syllabus for a full 10 minutes,” Alexandria Hamilton, a senior, said. “Then he sighed and wrote, ‘We’ll just watch a documentary’ on the board. That’s when we knew.”
Health officials at Lexington High School have confirmed that the condition is highly contagious. The school nurses recently sent out emails to parents warning them to be cautious when sending students to school, and advising students to wear masks or purchase antibiotics if needed.
“It spreads through slouching and sighing,” Mia Garcia, a school nurse, said. “We’re concerned about underclassmen, especially freshmen who have not experienced this level of demotivation yet at the start of their high school career.”
Sophomores, who typically experience only moderate fatigue towards the end of the school year, have begun repeating phrases indicative of senioritis, such as “Does this really matter in the long run?” and “Mentally, I’ve already graduated.”
Julie Wang described her first encounter with the virus as “utterly terrifying.”
“I was minding my own business doing my Pascal’s Triangle homework in Math 3, when the guy sitting next to me started muttering that this was useless and just a bunch of numbers. I began to mutter along with him, and now I haven’t done my math homework in two weeks,” Wang said.
School officials have attempted unsuccessful preventative measures, including motivational assemblies and volleyball tournaments. The principal has encouraged students to “stay hydrated” and resist the urge to fall asleep in class.
The only known cure for senioritis remains the abrupt realization that graduation is, in fact, happening. Unfortunately for Harper, graduating is out of the question.
“He keeps saying, ‘Just a few more weeks,’” Elizabeth Patel, the head of the history department, noted. “We have gently reminded him that he has twelve more years until retirement.”
Experts are scrambling to contain the epidemic before it spreads to Clarke or Diamond Middle School, or even worse, the elementary schools. Meanwhile, LHS students believe this quarter to be the laziest quarter in the history of Lexington, though some see potential benefits in the epidemic.
“I mean, it’s not that bad. If we all catch this, at least no one will notice my missing Biology assignment,” Ricky Campbell, a sophomore, said.