The unexpected rise of new trends like thigh-high Converse and gingham flannels (ew) have resulted in extreme fashion misconduct at Lexington High School. To ensure the safety and productivity of all students, LHS administrators have subsequently issued a new dress code.
Effective April 1, 2026, the new policy will require all students to wear quarter zips and bring a matcha to school every day as part of their outfits’ aesthetic. In addition, students must also carry a Labubu which can either be hooked to their baggy jeans or worn on the side of their tote bags. Most importantly, the new policy will prohibit any Nike Techs from being worn in the building. Student reactions to this dress code have been rather mixed.
“But what if I don’t have five quarter zips to wear to school each day of the week?” Performa Tivmal, an LHS sophomore, asked.
“I’m literally crine, I hate wearing quarter zips. And I’m broke. I can’t buy matcha every day,” Feminista Literatura, an LHS senior, said.
Despite the strong backlash, however, it seems like this policy is here to stay. Along with the new dress code, other conduct rules will be put into place on April 1 as well. Only students who drive Hellcat cars will be permitted to park in student parking spaces, and the era of AirPods and Beats headphones will come to an end—students will only be allowed to use wired headphones that play a strictly school-curated playlist of Clairo and Laufey.
With these rules come many questions that the deans are working diligently to answer. One inquiry was whether there were any benefits of daily matcha-drinking.
“Well, matcha is just so niche. Everyone at LHS will be so nonchalant if we just all drink matcha. And it’s green, so there’s obviously health benefits,” Sooper Asthetic, one of the school’s deans, said.
We brought forth a common student concern to another dean: where would student drivers without Hellcats park during the school day?
“They will probably have to call someone. Like how she gon’ call me baby boo,” Dean Asthetic said.
Another popular worry amongst students was the consequences of breaking these new rules. We heard through the grapevine that failure to abide by this new policy is a not-so-pleasant trip to the dean’s assistant’s office. Once there, the dean will have to “call yo Uber” and you will be asked to immediately leave the school premises. We are still unsure if the consequence is permanent expulsion or a mere 6-7 day suspension, but as many students have already expressed disinterest in following this policy, we are certain to find out soon!
Although there are some technical issues with a few of the new rules that will be implemented soon, we are sure they will be straightened out in no time. The Musket had further questions, but we straight airballed with all the deans leaving us on read. I guess we’re just chuds, and everyone hates us.
In general, LHS admin is confident that this will really lighten the mood on campus.
“We are excited to see the shift in attitude amongst LHS students and staff as our community inevitably becomes more fashionable and healthy!”